The "conversation" continues

Remember the email "conversation" that I previously had with my co-worker? Well, he sent me a follow-up email. The things touched on in his reply were:

• Follow-up to bad things happening to good people
• Christian faith that is rooted in the fear of Hell
• Christian leaders that don't welcome tough questions
• The many differences among Christian denominations

Below is the main portion of my reply. Some stuff has been edited out for privacy.


I know what you mean about coming up with a loss about some of the painful life experiences that we go through. There is one main experience that I’m at a bit of a loss about . . . The main thing I really took away from it was an opportunity to show love . . . I also wonder if maybe it’s not about what I need to learn (it's not all about me), but maybe there are lessons for others involved as well, or maybe someone else will be benefit from watching how I handled the difficult situations in my life. Maybe I can give hope to someone without spirituality or faith that we can make it through the rough times and come out OK in the end. I don't know. I just can't believe all of these things that happen in our lives, and the lives of people around us are completely pointless. I hope you understand, that I’m not trying to provide you with a specific answer as to why XXXXX's mom’s situation played out like it did, I’m just telling you about different thoughts that have run through my head and have given me the tiny bit of sanity and peace that I needed to carry on.

I think some churches do have that don’t ask mentality, and to just have faith, and that if you somehow question God, you are hell bound. I think part of that is due to the fact that clergymen/women of churches don't have the all the answers, and for so long it seems like Christianity has always been about knowing all the answers. I feel like we should be encouraged to ask the hard questions, listen to everyones perspective, and acknowledge that we just don't know it all. I’m trying to learn that I don’t need to have the answers to everything, but that I can sit back and go through the journey of life and just absorb and even enjoy the questions. It’s kind of how I view driving a car. I don’t understand the inner workings of a car. I’ve had people explain spark plugs, radiators, engines, distributer caps, and what not, but I don’t get it. I’ve just decided to focus on the stuff I do understand about cars (oil changes, air filters, tire pressure, alignments) and to enjoy the benefits of the car such as road trips, the music from the radio, air conditioning, and the basic getting from point A to point B.

I also am not a fan of what I’ve heard referred to as fire insurance salesman. These are the people that continually preach a "gospel" of hellfire and damnation. There is no doubt that fear can be a big motivator, but it seems at some point we should attempt overcome fear with love. I like the quote from the bible that says something to the effect of perfect love drives out fear, because fear is based on punishment. I think we've focused on punishment so much that we've forgotten what it means to love.

I once read somewhere that human beings are genetically 99% similar to one another (or some high percentage like that). That was amazing to me, because we (the general public) seem to focus on the 1% where we are different-Hair color, skin color, height, weight, etc. Then when you throw in societal factors like wealth and status, we end up dividing ourselves even more. It seems like this is what is going on in the current state of Christianity and religion as a whole. We are all so busy trying to identify how we are not like one another instead of celebrating the ways in which we are so very similar. I’m really guilty of this. I remember there was a time when I was trying to figure what phrase I should use for my religious identity because I didn’t want to use the word Christianity. I didn’t want people to confuse me with those ‘other’ type of Christians (other = Christians that I disagreed with on some points). I had to realize that all of these labels that we have constructed for ourselves can’t completely encompass all of a person’s individual beliefs. It may get you in the general neighborhood, but if someone wants to know what I’m about, or if I want to know what someone else is about, we just have to take the time to talk and get to know one another.

I have to say, these faith based conversations with my co-worker was most unexpected, but it's been very enlightening.

First time Grandparents = Temporary Insanity?

So we packed up and went to my hometown for Memorial Day weekend so that Ian could get some face time with my folks. A good time was had by all, but this past weekend confirmed what I already knew in my heart to be true. First time grandparents are crazy.

Seriously, they consider everything that Ian does, good or bad, to be cute and adorable.

I told them the electrical outlet story, and all they could say was "Oh, looks like you have a little engineer on your hands. He's so curious."

We were in church and Ian did not want to sit still. He was crawling in the pews, babbling and flirting with the woman sitting behind us, shouting periodically, just for fun (side note: Ian would so fit in at a charismatic church), and so I decided to do the responsible thing and take him to the nursery. All of a sudden I hear a woman that both looked and sounded like my mother say "No, don't take him out. He's fine. He's not bothering anyone." Are you kidding me? This lady must have been abducted by aliens because this is not my mother.

We went out to eat with my parents. Dan and I are starting to master the 'hurry up and eat before we run out of distractions and this kid goes completely insane' method of dining. My parents not so much. They are taking their time, savoring every bite, and when Ian starts screeching and banging on the table, again, just because it's fun, they giggle and say how cute it is. I look at them, and I can tell that in their twisted little minds, they think the only reason other people are looking in our direction is so that they can make a mental note of just how adorable Ian is.

I may need to have them committed.

Interesting "conversation" with co-worker

So last week my co-workers and I were chatting and somehow the conversation took a turn towards the age old question of why do bad things happen to good people. One of my co-workers began to reminisce about his partner's mom. She was a devout Catholic woman who became very ill in her last days on this earth and he and his partner were in agreement that it seemed so unfair. I think the exact statement was something like "She was a devoted Catholic, prayed to the Saints and all that stuff, and look at what it got her."

I gave a very short, trite statement about how I agreed the situation was unfortunate and even seemed unfair, but I thought the answer to that question, if there was one at all, was a multifaceted one. Anyway, we decided to end the conversation at that point because we had been discussing non work related stuff for a while, and it was time to get back to work. I couldn't get the conversation out of my head though, and I decided to jot down a few notes and turn it into a blog post a little later.

Well, imagine my surprise when I received an email from said co-worker going into a bit more detail of our conversation. Some of the issues covered in his email were:

• Why is it that people can be devoted to their faith and yet bad things still happen to them
• Televangelists that seem to be out only to make a buck/Christian hypocrisy
• Why Christians want everyone else to adhere to their moral code

My response to his email is below, minus the typos of course. Rather than create an entirely new post, I just decided to pull a portion of my email and let that serve as my post.


I can’t say I’ve never wondered the “Why do bad things happen to good people” question. What I’ve come to realize, is that I’m not qualified, nor am I at a place where I can answer that question. So instead my focus has shifted. Instead of asking “Why” I ask “What”. What can be learned from this situation? What good came out of this situation? What lesson did I learn that can be put into practice? What wisdom can I pass on to someone else that encounters something similar? When I started asking those questions, the “Why” wasn’t eliminated, or made any less painful, but my perspective changed. I began to see that not only can good come from bad, but I began to expect good to come out of bad situations.

I also think it boils down to what one expects from their faith. Some consider it a get out of jail free card for all “wrongdoings” and others consider it a lucky charm that should prevent bad stuff from happening to them. Me (and I know you didn’t ask me this), some of the things I expect are: a connection with my Creator (God, Allah, the Divine, the Universe, Mother Earth, or whatever other label you want to put on it), empowerment to become a better person, the power to experience and reflect love, peace/comfort when bad things do happen, and to help others, whether that help is through finances, advice, or just giving someone hope that everything will be ok. The reality I’ve learned, is that if I want to be a “better” person, most times I have to be put in a certain situation in order for that to come to fruition. For instance, if I want to be forgiving I have to have the opportunity to be screwed over. If I want to be patient, I have to have some sort of trying obstacle to overcome. If I want to be courageous, I have to be placed in a fearful situation and attempt to overcome it, etc….You get the point
That’s why I say, what appears to be a crappy situation on the surface, can have good. That doesn’t make the situation suck any less, but again, it changes the perspective.

As far as money grubbing televangelist, or other hypocrites (religious or not), I find their actions despicable, but at the same time I don’t think I am so different. Sure their actions may be different from mine, but the underlying issue I think is the same. Things like greed, dishonesty, jealousy, desire for power, fear, pride, wanting to be appear to be a good person without necessarily becoming a good person…these are all the same things I’m trying to eliminate from my internal makeup. It’s just that when I fail it may not be as apparent as it is with other people. I just figure, I’m not trying to use others as a measuring stick of how good or bad I am or should be. My goal is to be the absolute best me that I can be regardless of what others are doing because honestly, I can never have a true comparison. My absolute best may be a piece of cake to one person, and an unattainable goal to another, and I will never know which is which because I’m can’t be inside another person’s head. What I can do, is acknowledge I’m not perfect, and knowing that, not expect perfection from someone else. I also aim to encourage people to be the best person they can be, and ask them to encourage me to do the same. I don’t always succeed, but that’s my goal.

I agree with you that some Christians want to govern the way that other people live. I don’t agree. I think adults should be able to exert their free will, and do what they please as long as their actions do not infringe on another person’s rights. And while I may disagree with them, and plenty of other people, I still suspect that we are all more alike than we would like to think.


And there you have it. It's the best I could do to address some of his tough issues, but I'd be interested in other people's opinions on this stuff too.

March for Babies was a success

I'm late with the update, but the March of Dimes - March for Babies was a huge success. We asked our friends and families to sponsor us for the walk, and you guys pitched in and helped us raise over $1000. That is so awesome, and we thank you guys so much.

As for the walk itself, it was fun. The day started out cloudy, but that was a Ok, because we had a nice breeze and it wasn't too hot. We all showed up thinking we were in for a 5 mile walk like last year, but SURPRISE!! They decided to up it to 8 miles. We did the entire thing though, and had a great time doing it. Ian was a trooper. He stayed awake for 7 1/2 miles, but he drifted off at the last half mile. Here are a few pictures of the day.



Our NICU Graduate




The Guys - They're Manly Men

Paused to take a picture. Doesn't Ian look thrilled? (The picture is cutoff and I'm to tired to figure out why)


Oh, so sleepy

Jesus Freaks

I know you may be sick of my faith/Ian posts, but oh well, here's another one.

A few months back I was telling you about a international, inter-denominational bible study that I was apart of, and that we were reading the book of Matthew. Well, last night was the final night of that bible study, and it was referred to as "Share Night". Anyone that wanted to speak about how they had been helped, or what they learned by reading the book of Matthew, was encouraged to share. I went with to Share Night, with the intention of sitting back, listening to the comments, and absorbing the positive energy, if you will, but I did not have any intention of speaking.
I started the night just as I planned. It was amazing to hear all of these people talk about how reading a book of the bible, transformed their thinking, their behavior, and their lives. It was quite inspiring. About a quarter of the way through the evening, I began reflecting, generally, on the things that had helped me while reading the book of Matthew. When the night was about halfway done, I began to identify specific things from Matthew that I felt I'd been blessed by, and when the evening was nearing a close, I felt my hand raise in the air indicating I wanted to speak. Now, I don't know what I looked like on the outside, but on the inside....

<Internal Dialogue>

"What the hell am I doing? Maybe if I put my hand down right now she won't see me. Crap, she already saw me and is heading my way. What the hell am I going to say? Ugh, I'm in church, I probably shouldn't be saying thinking hell. Aww, whatever hell is a biblical term, why shouldn't I ..." (the microphone is now in my hand).

</Internal Dialogue>


Now honestly, I don't remember the exact phrasing of what I said since I free styled it, so what you will read here is not a regurgitation of what I said last night, but a detailed expression of the message that I was trying to get across, minus the tears (yes, there were tears).

******

The biggest thing that struck me about the book of Matthew was the power of faith. I'm not talking about faith in going to heaven after I die, but faith about the here and now. That when circumstances look their worst, I can know, trust, and believe that things will turn out, not just OK, but great. The reason I believe that to be true is because of Jesus. I read story after story, where Jesus said something to the effect of "Your faith has healed you", "You are blessed because of your faith", or "Your faith has saved you". The written words of Jesus made me believe that there is something very powerful in believing; something very powerful about the thoughts that I allow to enter my mind. He made me believe that when I prayed for Ian's healing, it was just a little more than lip service, if I didn't choose to believe that God not only could, but would do what I was asking. His words helped me to understand that there is something amazing about having other like-minded people praying, sending out positive energy, or whatever you want to call it, with the expectation of success. That was what I took away from Matthew.

******

Now I know someday there may be someone that stumbles across my blog that completely disagrees with what I'm saying, and as proof, can back it up with a painful story that will make me think about rejecting my previous paragraph. So whoever that is, all I can say is, I'm sorry. I don't pretend to understand, or imagine I can explain all of the ugliness and hardships in this world. I just want to propose that there is something undeniably powerful about the thing that we call faith.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

This past week I've been focusing on fundraising for the March of Dimes-March for Babies walk. As a result it has caused me to reflect on Ian's prematurity and has brought up some interesting thoughts and memories. I've often wondered what it is I am supposed to learn from Ian's early arrival. I'm of the mindset, that if God allows an unexpected bad situation to happen in my life, or anyone's life, there must be an opportunity to learn, grow, and benefit from the experience.

So far that theory has proven true, and some of things I've learned so far are to focus on what matters and not to take life, love, and family for granted. But even with the lessons I've learned I still had some unanswered questions, and so I did what I always tend to do when I have thoughts all over the place. I decided to have a chat with God.

God and I have long since gotten past the formalities so the conversation went a little something like this:

God, while I am appreciative of the life principles I have learned thus far, I can't wrap my mind around why you had to use something as traumatic as a premature birth to convey the message. Am I that hard-headed? Couldn't I have learned these lessons through other means?
I mean this is something that affected not only me, but my family; my child. Plus Dan and I did it right. We met, we dated, we got married, and then we had children. If you're going to have a family, that's the way it should be done. There are plenty of people out there sleeping around and when they get pregnant, you reward them with a perfectly normal and healthy pregnancy. It just seems unfair.

Anyway, as I continued in this dialogue with God, all of a sudden a little light bulb went off in my head and I took a second to really think about what I was saying. Technically, I was saying that I didn't think I deserved the trials of having a premature child, but there was a hidden implication that there were some that did deserve it, and they were the ones who didn't have the same standard of morality that I had. Now, I'm not of the belief that the inverse of a statement necessarily reveals truth, but in this situation it did. In my mind, since I did it "right", I deserved a healthy pregnancy, and while I wouldn't wish a premature birth experience upon anyone, if anybody deserved it, it was those that did not create a child within the confines of a loving, committed, and stable relationship.

When I realized that this was what I was really thinking, it was like a punch to the gut and I was disgusted with myself. I understood that I needed to make a change in my mindset. I had two options.
I could shake my head and say "Tsk, tsk" to all of those who have and will have children in less than ideal circumstances, or I could show love and compassion for both the parents and the children in those difficult circumstances. I chose the latter.

Now I don't think that this revelation was the all-encompassing reason as to why Ian came into this world 16 weeks early, but I believe that this was a principle that I needed to learn in order to become the best me I can be.

Life Lesson: Self-righteous judgment never helps anything. All it does is create an inflated ego that prevents one from experiencing true love.

Are you kidding me?

I guess the previous person that lived in our house had kids, because when we moved in there were a few baby-proofing mechanisms in place. One thing that was missing though was electrical outlet covers. Well, now that Ian is crawling, pulling up, and toying with the idea of cruising, he decided that electrical outlets looked like they would be great fun. Not to worry though, I immediately rushed out to the store and bought some outlet covers. Problem solved, right? Let's continue with the story, shall we?

Once the covers were in place, we put Ian back on the floor and let him have at it. He immediately crawled over to his favorite electrical outlet and noticed that something looked different. He looked at it for a few seconds, and then decided to ignore it.
Whoo hoo!! Success. Dan and I congratulated ourselves on being great parents and went on with our evening.

Fast forward to today. Dan, Ian and I were all hanging out in the living room. I needed to go into the kitchen and Dan was on the opposite side of the living room than Ian. No need to worry though, because the living room is a safe zone. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Ian eyeing his favorite electrical outlet. I chuckle to myself and say "You go ahead and try to get to that outlet little man. You may have forgotten, but we've taken care of that."

You see where this is going don't you? I continued doing my business in the kitchen, and all of a sudden I hear Dan say "Argh, No! How did you do that?". I go into the living room and what do I see? A bright eyed, curious Ian with an electrical outlet cover in his hand.

Uh, yeah. I think this kid is already smarter than me.