Food for thought

One of the things Dan and I were forewarned about was that it is quite common for former preemies to have oral aversions as they grow older.  I guess being on a ventilator for 6 weeks, and having tubes shoved down your throat for the first 3 months of your life will do that to you.

Ian's oral issues are pretty mild.  He has some texture issues, and had to have some therapy early on because he had issues with chewing food, but he finally got the hang of it.  Perfect technique.  The thing is though, just because he knows HOW to chew, doesn't mean that he WANTS to chew.  It's just not his favorite thing, and sometimes he will forgo eating altogether if there is a lot of chewing involved.  That, my friends, is a habit we are trying to break.

On the menu for dinner last night was rosemary chicken, potatoes, and mixed veggies.  On the chewing scale, it ranks as moderate in my book.

As I prepared Ian's plate I said a a short, silent prayer:  "Please let Ian eat a good amount of food tonight".

I placed Ian's plate on the table, yelled out "Time for dinner", and without any fuss he got into his chair.  Dan said a prayer for the food, we all said Amen, and began to eat.

Ian picked up his fork and took a bite of chicken.  Sweet!
A few seconds later he scooped up some potatoes and shoveled those into his mouth.  Score!
It took a few minutes of intense chewing, but he successfully swallowed his food.  Yippee!

On to the second bite:  Ian did another chicken and potato combo, only this time he needed a lot more coaxing and cajoling get him to swallow his food.  He finally did it though.  Whew, what a relief.  Or so I thought.  Here is the abbreviated version of what happened next.

Ian: Done! Done!  Down please.
Me: Ian you need to eat some more food
Ian: No thank you.  Done.  Down please
Dan (putting more food on Ian's fork): Here Ian, take a bite
Ian (shrieking and crying): No!  Done.
Me (frustrated): Fine Ian, you can go to bed hungry

I helped him get out of the chair, told him to go pick out a book, and that I would be there to read it to him in a few minutes.

*SIGH* 

"Don't worry", Dan said.  "I'm telling you, there is going to come a day where we are going to worry about how to KEEP him fed.  When he'll be eating us out of a house and home."

"Yeah, yeah" I thought to myself. 

I was frustrated...

And tired...

And if we're being completely honest, annoyed.

It was obvious it was going to be one of those nights where the kid just didn't eat much.  I was simply going to have to shake it off.

I walked into the living room and Ian already had his book picked out.  I plopped down next to him on the couch, got comfortable, and we began to read.

Dan walked in a few moments later with a plate in hand  (don't worry, we eat in our living room, it's cool)  About halfway through the story, Dan stuck out a forkful of food.  "Hey Ian, you want to take a bite?"  Ian happily leaned over, devoured what was on the fork, and immediately got back into the story.  A couple of pages later, Dan gave him another forkful and again Ian gobbled it down.  Fast forward a couple of books and most of the food that was on the plate Dan brought in was gone.

Well what do ya know?  Looks like the kid ended up eating a good amount of food after all. 

Moral of the story: Just because things don't happen exactly the way you expect them to, doesn't mean you won't get the end result you were seeking and praying for.

In my mind, in order for Ian to eat a good amount of food, the family had to be gathered around the dinner table and he would eat bite after bite. When Ian only had two bites at the table, I figured the night was failure (food wise) and chalked it up to a lesson in patience.

I think I'm starting realize that it's my job to have faith, but that it is God's job to work out the details.

Oh, and the second moral of the story:  My husband is a freaking genius.

M.I.A.

I haven't been posting that much here lately.

If I said things had been hectic at work and just calmed down in the past few weeks, so I now, finally, have the time to post, I'd be telling the truth.
If I said I had been busy with a nice visit from my Father-in-Law, followed by us packing up and heading out on the road ourselves, that would be true too.
If I said I needed to prioritize family time, paying bills, and laundry before surfing the web and blogging, again, that would be the truth.

But if I'm being HONEST, I mean completely honest, none of those are the real reasons I haven't been posting. The real reason you haven't seen me around these parts is because I've been spending time with some friends I have made.

For a little while now, not exactly sure how long, I've been receiving invitations to a very private, very exclusive party. When I first started receiving invitations to these uber-exclusive gatherings, I would think about going, but would always decline. "Nah," I would say, "I have too much going on to really make time for this", and I wouldn't really give it much thought. But one day my curiosity got the best of me and I decided to attend.

On my first visit I met a woman that had given birth to a very premature baby -- it was also her first child. We had so much to talk about. We talked about the lingering twinge of guilt for not being able to carry our kids to term, the different types of therapy our kids had been through, the current delays they were experiencing. We talked about our concerns for their future development, and thoughts about family planning. That's when she told me that she had always sworn she would never have an only child, but now that she has lived the reality of having a premature baby, she was rethinking that theory. "Is it fair to even think about having another child if there is even the slightest possibility this could happen again?" she asked. I could only sigh and shrug my shoulders. I didn't have an answer for her and it broke my heart.

At the next get-together I was all set to talk Mrs. Preemie Mommy, only she wasn't there. Instead, I struck up a conversation with a working (outside the home) mother. We commiserated about trying to manage all of our responsibilities. We tried to figure out how to balance spending 9-10 hours away from home Monday through Friday with having quality time with our families, doing laundry, paying bills, cleaning the house, cooking, maintaining friendships, exercising, and much, much more. At the end of the conversation we walked away feeling even more overwhelmed than when we started.

After looking around and not seeing Mrs. Preemie Mommy or Mrs. Overwhelmed at the next gathering, I didn't know what to do or who to talk to. I didn't have to wait long before Mrs. Questioning Christian showed up. "I believe in God", she said "so much that sometimes it seems like I can feel His presence right beside me. I love moments like that. But then there are other times, times when I don't feel His presence at all. I pray for clear guidance, for direction, and months later I'm still clueless."

Yep Mrs. Questioning Christian, I feel your pain.

And those were just a few of the ladies I met. I also conversed with Mrs. Failed perfectionist, Mrs. I-am-the-only-one-that-feels-like-this, Mrs. Indecisive, Mrs. Fear of failure, Mrs. I-don't-have-any-friends, and I tended to chat quite frequently with Mrs. The-grass-on-their-lawn-is-so-much-greener.

Is it becoming clear yet? Yeah, I imagined it would.

As I'm sure you've surmised, I haven't been around these parts because I have been way too busy attending my very own pity party. I never intended to stay long, but a funny thing happens when you begin to dwell on your shortcomings and problems -- perceived or real-- you tend to elicit a more-the-merrier attitude and will find yourself making room for more negative thoughts to join in on the festivities.

Like attracts like and all that jazz.

So instead of hanging out with those friends, I've been spending some time with Mrs. Gratitude. She's been reminding me of all the things, the countless things, the oh so many things, I am grateful for. She's been keeping me in line when I feel the urge to strike up a conversation with my pessimistic pals, and when I'm tempted to feel like I've failed to live up to an unreasonable expectation I set for myself, she has reminded me that there are people out there (people in my own home even) that think I'm just swell, and it's OK for me to think the same.

Finding God in the Small Stuff

This morning the song Heaven, by Mary Mary, was stuck in my head and I wanted to find my copy of the self-entitled CD so I could listen to it in the car. The only problem was I knew it was buried in the huge stash of CDs next to our player.
Determined to find it as quickly as possible, I grabbed a stack of about 30 or so CDs and began to flip through looking for it.

Nope, not there.

I hurriedly grabbed a second set containing quite a few more discs and began to look through them. I didn't get very far before several began slipping out of my hand. I quickly readjusted them, but then another section began to slip. Once I got handle on the second section of rogue discs, yet another section began to fall. This happened one more time before my clumsiness finally got the best of me and I dropped all of the CDs.

*SIGH*

I bent down to pick everything up, and there in the middle of the mess was the Mary Mary CD! As I set it aside and continued to gather everything together, I was surprised at how quickly I picked the CDs up. It took less time than I thought it would, and it was certainly faster than it would have taken me to flip through the stack, find the CD I wanted, and then put them away.

It was right then, that I realized that this little scenario was a typical example of my relationship with God.

I will set a goal, begin to take logical steps to meet that goal, and if things look like they are about to turn into a huge mess, or more accurately, are not going how I think they should be, I do everything within my power to control it, or to "fix" it. Today's sequence of events reminded me that what appears outwardly as chaos could actually be God's provision of my heart's desire.

Who is in the driver's seat?

There is this sentiment among people of faith that we are committed to "following God." That we are no longer focused on seeking our own will, but instead we have decided to "put God first." This putting God first, it governs our thoughts, our decisions, our very way of life.

If you would have asked me 6 months ago if any of the aforementioned phrases were true for me, I would not have hesitated to answer yes. But if there is one thing this study of the life of Moses is teaching me, it is that God is not the leader in our relationship, particularly when it comes to my decision making process.

See, in order for God to be the leader, I would have to be the follower, and while that statement sounds fairly straight forward, it is something I have to remind myself of on a daily basis. I've realized that my decision making process does not allow God to be the pilot of the aircraft that I call my life. Instead, he is more like a co-pilot with clearance to take over only in the case of emergencies. Don't believe me? Let me show you how I generally make decisions.

We interrupt this post to bring you a very important PSA: I emphasize that this is the way I generally make decisions because there are more steps involved in the decision making process since I got married. Dan and I discuss pretty much everything, however since I'm the one that is putting all of my business out in the street on a blog, I've decided to focus on my part solely.
You may now continue with your reading about my decision making process

Step 1: Think of all possible options for the situation
Step 2: Weigh the pros and cons of each
Step 3: Based on the pros and cons, make a decision that sits well with me
Step 4: Verify the choice I've made doesn't require me to sin, or do something that goes against my conscience
Step 5: Pray that God blesses the decision that I have made, and throw in a caveat that if this isn't the path I should go down, for God to work his magic to make sure it doesn't happen.
Step 6: Take the steps to make my decision a reality


Now for years I've thought that this has been a pretty good way to make decisions.
It seemed to be very logical, it involved prayer, and I even did a check to make sure I wasn't doing anything that went against God's will, as I understood it. After taking a second glance, however, I'm beginning to realize that if I actually placed God first, my decision making process would look like this:

Step 1: Pray for God's direction and guidance in the situation
Step 2: Upon receiving God's instruction, take steps to make God's decision a reality

Can I tell you a little secret? That second approach to decision making, you know the one where God comes first, it makes me nervous. What would my life look like if I truly submitted to God's will on things like: what local church/denomination to be apart of, how many children to have, or not have, whether to work outside of the home, or be a stay at home parent, what church ministry I would be best suited for, if any; The possibilities are endless and the entire process can be quite intimidating.

Sometimes the things God guided Moses to do intimidated him. They weren't logical, and they didn't sit well with him, but he still did it. Moses just went about God's mission with faith that the choices made would be for his good and God's glory. I guess I need to find the courage to do the same.

Where's the beef?

Those of you that know me, know that for the last 8 or so years of my life, I've avoided red meat like the plague. Before that, I was a big beef/red meat eater. I never gave much thought to it. Growing up in my house, it wasn't a meal without meat. But in my freshman or sophomore year of college, I started to hear about the negative effects of red meat, saw a few gross pictures of the colon (thanks Mrs. P *wink*) and I decided I was all done with it.

Lately though, I've been rethinking my position. My change of heart began about the time I was being wheeled off for my emergency c-section.
In my effort to remain calm, I began doing what I do best. Talking.

I was chatting it up with my nurse and anesthesiologist, and though I had long ago asked them to stop updating me on my blood pressure readings, I must have inquired about the seriousness of my condition. That's when one of the nurses said something to the affect of, "Honey, we want to keep you from having a stroke."

Uh, excuse me? A stroke? OK, apparently you missed something. I do my best to eat well, I work out fairly regularly, and continued to do so when I found out I was pregnant; I'm not the type of person that needs to be concerned about a stroke.

Or so I thought.

Anyway, I've been thinking about this for a while now, and I think I'm shying away from the total avoidance mentality when it comes to red meat. In a weird way, I was using it as an insurance policy to guarantee a long healthy life, but let's face it. There are no guarantees. I could do all the "right things" as it relates to health, and still be gone tomorrow.

Now I don't plan to gorge myself on hamburgers and steak (truthfully, they still don't appeal to me), and I still intend to take precautions when it comes to my health, but I think the answer, like most things in my life, is that moderation is the key.

Now, where is that pepperoni pizza?

Things aren't always what they seem

So a few months ago I came across a website that gave me a great idea about prayer. The site, which seems to have a Law of Attraction feel to it, talked about something they called "The Why Game". You are encouraged to play the game with another person, but I found that it was equally effective if you are by yourself.

The purpose of The Why Game is to give you insight into why you want what you want. Essentially it works like this (my paraphrase): You identify what it is that you want, you identify what that want looks like in real life, and then you identify what experience you desire from what you want. Once you complete that cycle, you begin the exercise again, theoretically with more insight into what you want, and go through the process as many times as needed until you get to the heart of what it is you are really seeking.

It sounded interesting, so I decided to give it a go.

It had been over a year since Ian was born, and we were still having a difficult time with insurance paying for his hospital stay. It was stressing me out big time. My plan was to go through the game for this situation, and when I got down to the nitty gritty of what I wanted, I would make that the focus of my prayer.

My first couple of cycles of The Why Game looked like this (click to enlarge):


After a few more rounds of my little experiment, I found that my fundamental desire was to have a strong and healthy family unit, so I decided to change my prayers. Instead of praying for the insurance company to do right by me, as I saw it, my prayers were focused on developing strong bonds between Dan, Ian and myself.

An interesting thing began to happen when I decided to focus on what I truly wanted and allowed God to handle how it came to be. Slowly but surely we started getting insurance statements showing they covered Ian's medical bills.

Now you can take from this little experiment what you want, but one of the interesting things I learned, is that in many cases, the thing that I am completely fixated upon when I pray, is not what I truly desire.

Go figure.

Jesus Freaks

I know you may be sick of my faith/Ian posts, but oh well, here's another one.

A few months back I was telling you about a international, inter-denominational bible study that I was apart of, and that we were reading the book of Matthew. Well, last night was the final night of that bible study, and it was referred to as "Share Night". Anyone that wanted to speak about how they had been helped, or what they learned by reading the book of Matthew, was encouraged to share. I went with to Share Night, with the intention of sitting back, listening to the comments, and absorbing the positive energy, if you will, but I did not have any intention of speaking.
I started the night just as I planned. It was amazing to hear all of these people talk about how reading a book of the bible, transformed their thinking, their behavior, and their lives. It was quite inspiring. About a quarter of the way through the evening, I began reflecting, generally, on the things that had helped me while reading the book of Matthew. When the night was about halfway done, I began to identify specific things from Matthew that I felt I'd been blessed by, and when the evening was nearing a close, I felt my hand raise in the air indicating I wanted to speak. Now, I don't know what I looked like on the outside, but on the inside....

<Internal Dialogue>

"What the hell am I doing? Maybe if I put my hand down right now she won't see me. Crap, she already saw me and is heading my way. What the hell am I going to say? Ugh, I'm in church, I probably shouldn't be saying thinking hell. Aww, whatever hell is a biblical term, why shouldn't I ..." (the microphone is now in my hand).

</Internal Dialogue>


Now honestly, I don't remember the exact phrasing of what I said since I free styled it, so what you will read here is not a regurgitation of what I said last night, but a detailed expression of the message that I was trying to get across, minus the tears (yes, there were tears).

******

The biggest thing that struck me about the book of Matthew was the power of faith. I'm not talking about faith in going to heaven after I die, but faith about the here and now. That when circumstances look their worst, I can know, trust, and believe that things will turn out, not just OK, but great. The reason I believe that to be true is because of Jesus. I read story after story, where Jesus said something to the effect of "Your faith has healed you", "You are blessed because of your faith", or "Your faith has saved you". The written words of Jesus made me believe that there is something very powerful in believing; something very powerful about the thoughts that I allow to enter my mind. He made me believe that when I prayed for Ian's healing, it was just a little more than lip service, if I didn't choose to believe that God not only could, but would do what I was asking. His words helped me to understand that there is something amazing about having other like-minded people praying, sending out positive energy, or whatever you want to call it, with the expectation of success. That was what I took away from Matthew.

******

Now I know someday there may be someone that stumbles across my blog that completely disagrees with what I'm saying, and as proof, can back it up with a painful story that will make me think about rejecting my previous paragraph. So whoever that is, all I can say is, I'm sorry. I don't pretend to understand, or imagine I can explain all of the ugliness and hardships in this world. I just want to propose that there is something undeniably powerful about the thing that we call faith.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

This past week I've been focusing on fundraising for the March of Dimes-March for Babies walk. As a result it has caused me to reflect on Ian's prematurity and has brought up some interesting thoughts and memories. I've often wondered what it is I am supposed to learn from Ian's early arrival. I'm of the mindset, that if God allows an unexpected bad situation to happen in my life, or anyone's life, there must be an opportunity to learn, grow, and benefit from the experience.

So far that theory has proven true, and some of things I've learned so far are to focus on what matters and not to take life, love, and family for granted. But even with the lessons I've learned I still had some unanswered questions, and so I did what I always tend to do when I have thoughts all over the place. I decided to have a chat with God.

God and I have long since gotten past the formalities so the conversation went a little something like this:

God, while I am appreciative of the life principles I have learned thus far, I can't wrap my mind around why you had to use something as traumatic as a premature birth to convey the message. Am I that hard-headed? Couldn't I have learned these lessons through other means?
I mean this is something that affected not only me, but my family; my child. Plus Dan and I did it right. We met, we dated, we got married, and then we had children. If you're going to have a family, that's the way it should be done. There are plenty of people out there sleeping around and when they get pregnant, you reward them with a perfectly normal and healthy pregnancy. It just seems unfair.

Anyway, as I continued in this dialogue with God, all of a sudden a little light bulb went off in my head and I took a second to really think about what I was saying. Technically, I was saying that I didn't think I deserved the trials of having a premature child, but there was a hidden implication that there were some that did deserve it, and they were the ones who didn't have the same standard of morality that I had. Now, I'm not of the belief that the inverse of a statement necessarily reveals truth, but in this situation it did. In my mind, since I did it "right", I deserved a healthy pregnancy, and while I wouldn't wish a premature birth experience upon anyone, if anybody deserved it, it was those that did not create a child within the confines of a loving, committed, and stable relationship.

When I realized that this was what I was really thinking, it was like a punch to the gut and I was disgusted with myself. I understood that I needed to make a change in my mindset. I had two options.
I could shake my head and say "Tsk, tsk" to all of those who have and will have children in less than ideal circumstances, or I could show love and compassion for both the parents and the children in those difficult circumstances. I chose the latter.

Now I don't think that this revelation was the all-encompassing reason as to why Ian came into this world 16 weeks early, but I believe that this was a principle that I needed to learn in order to become the best me I can be.

Life Lesson: Self-righteous judgment never helps anything. All it does is create an inflated ego that prevents one from experiencing true love.

Are you alright?

This was the question my coworker asked me today. He said that I seemed to be detached from work lately and he wanted to make sure everything was OK.
I appreciated the concern. You don't get that from a lot of folks these days and it was refreshing. I assured him that I was fine, but I've been in the process of allowing life and God to teach me and it has caused me to put things into perspective(so maybe I didn't use those exact words, but that was the sentiment).

Life lesson No. 1: Work isn't everything

I've started to identify what I want from this life and sometimes it doesn't line up with society's idea of success.
I want a personal relationship with my Creator free from empty rhetoric and meaningless tradition.
I want a happy marriage full of love, friendship, silliness, intimacy, romance and plain ol' fun.
Together, I want my husband and I to raise a responsible, spiritual, moral, educated, man who respects both himself and others.
I want healthy relationships with my family and friendships that last a lifetime, and while doing all of this I want to maintain my identity. I'm not just Dan's wife or Ian's mom. I'm a woman with my own opinions, interests and experiences.
Those are my goals and I believe I can achieve and maintain them, but it requires prioritizing.
As a result I'm not concerned with climbing the corporate ladder or participating in office politics. I'm quite happy with my non-managerial status, and frankly I'd like to keep it that way. I have no desire to keep up with the Joneses with their new car every 2 years and the ever increasing square footage of their home.
I'm not knocking material possessions or professional advancement. If that's what you want, go for it. I'd just prefer to stick with the job I love, live comfortably within my means and have enough time to enjoy the people around me.
******************
Edited to add: The same coworker sent me the following link today (02/14/08) and since it fits with the theme of this post I decided to included it
http://www.weboflove.org/051230whatmattersinlife

Reflecting on 2007

This year has been very interesting to say the least. Earlier this year my husband and I were just getting used to the idea of having a child. We were planning for his July arrival, had begun the process of buying a house, and we were having a lot of fun deciding what his name would be. Then life threw us a curveball. We found out that my son would have to be delivered 16 weeks early because I had developed preeclampsia and as a result my son developed IUGR. He was born March 26th at a tiny 1 lbs 2 oz and the roller coaster ride of the NICU began.
I didn't really realize how amazing childbirth was until my child was born early. I didn't fully understand just how much a woman's womb nurtures and protects a child until I saw the doctors and nurses trying to replicate it in an isolette. I also wasn't ready for all of the different emotions I would experience. Feelings of inadequacy, fear, and helplessness.
It's difficult to come up with a reason as to why your body failed you. Why you weren't able to do what other women have been able to do for centuries on end.
It's hard to look at a doctor and read the expression on their face that says they didn't think your child wouldn't make it through the night. Or to watch alongside as nurses worked to resuscitate him. It's not something I would wish on my worst enemy.
Yep 2007 was a crazy year indeed, but in a very weird way the challenges of this year proved to have a blessing mixed in.
I don't think I've ever been as thankful as I have this year.
I'm thankful that I had a great doctor who really jumped on my condition. Without her quick action my health would have been severely jeopardized and in a worst case scenario, neither my son nor I would be here.
I have the best husband ever. I love him and I really enjoy being married to him. There are no words that can adequately express how much he helped me this year.
I'm blessed to have great family and friends. Family that dropped everything they were doing to help us, and friends that met my needs, plus listened to me cry, complain, and worry.
I have a great new home that I love and a job that I enjoy.
And I have a great little boy. He's curious and silly. He has an infectious laugh and a smile that will steal your heart. He's great.
I have to wonder if I hadn't gone through this if I would be as grateful as I am now. I wonder if I would've taken everything I have for granted. It's certainly in my personality to do so.
So yes, while 2007 was probably the roughest year of my life I appreciate the lessons it has taught me.
I need to remember to cherish every moment, to not take my family and friends for granted, and as the plaque in my kitchen says "In everything give thanks".