Thursday, April 15, 2010

Why not bring it to Him?

Here is a not-so-great truth about me:

When I'm tired, frustrated, overwhelmed, or overworked, I can become very impatient and mean.  I know this about myself.
I know that whenever I feel this way I need to think long and hard before I speak, pay close attention to my body language, and be on guard for the thoughts that I allow myself to entertain.  But when I am in that moment, when I am overcome with any of the aforementioned emotions, it becomes so stinking difficult to maintain my composure, and many times I fail.  The times I do lose it, when I make that callous remark, when I roll my eyes and sigh with disdain, when I snap at those around me, I always (eventually) feel badly about it afterward.  I do my best to make amends, but the reality is the damage has been done.

I don't want to be this way.  I want to be type of person that is kind after a bad day, that is loving even when I'm exhausted.  I want to have a certain grace under fire, but even though I want all of that, I am very hesitant to pray about it.

You may wonder why that is. I've been asking myself why this is the case for some time now.  Why is it difficult for me to ask God to help me with this?  Don't I trust Him?  Hasn't He helped me before?  Why, silly woman, are you so unwilling bring this to God?

After much thought, I think I've finally figured out that the ugly truth is this:

I'm not afraid God won't answer my prayers, my true fear is that He will.

See in order to be kind after having a bad day, I have to have a bad day.  I have to have a day where the kiddo is being stubborn, things go wrong at work, and my hubby and I have a big argument. 
I have to allow myself to be placed in situations where I become tired, overwhelmed, or frustrated, so God can then give me the grace I need to overcome my flaws. It is essentially volunteering for discomfort, and I don't know about you, but I do NOT like discomfort.

I would much rather have a magic wand waved over me that instantly transforms me, and fills me with a knowing that I will be kind and patient in difficult circumstances, without actually going through difficult circumstances. But that doesn't seem to be the way life works, now does it?

Maturation is a process and sometimes there is discomfort.

A caterpillar doesn't become a butterfly instantaneously.  It takes a bit of a struggle and time.  A piece of coal is placed under intense heat and a lot of pressure in order to become a diamond,  and as much as I would like, I don't foresee any magic patience wands being waved over me in the near future. 

So what's a girl to do?  I don't know.  I don't have some succinct answer to my issue here, this post is merely me thinking aloud. 

I think for now, one thing I can do is start small and ask God to take away this fear I have of discomfort, and you know what?  I absolutely believe that He will.

1 comment:

SeFoster said...

I had somewhat of the same experience years ago when I asked God for patience. I knew what I was asking for but failed to realize that there will be trials to overcome to acquire that one day I look up and I'm in the mist of some VERY trying circumstances and I remember I asked God for thought was what was I thinking! lol But I can say that I am a better person for it. And my prayer continues to be answered, its justs that now,I am handling situations better than I use to